Mortality

I woke up today in the dark of early morning. The first whispers of the new day, as the light began to spread on the horizon. It is cold like only the Midwest in mid January can be. They say snow will be here soon, probably in the next day or so but not today.

It is interesting how when faced with our own mortality things snap into focus. As the sun began to crest the little hill that we are sitting on I could see the bright blue sky as some fluffy white clouds floated by. We have rented this home for the next five weeks as I recover from heart surgery.

Yes heart surgery. It is as shocking to me as it probably is to you reading it. Turns out regardless of having no symptoms and being in pretty much the best health I’ve been in for decades doesn’t mitigate years of poor choices that have caught up to me. Yes there is for sure a genetic component but I did myself no favors by drinking heavily for years and generally ignoring my overall health. I was at one point probably 60 to 70 pounds overweight, completely sedentary and taking my health for granted. Don’t be like me!

Ever since I learned I would need this surgery shortly before Christmas I have been alternately overwhelmed with sadness/anxiety and gratitude. Today the day before, I am firmly in the gratitude camp. So grateful for my amazing family. So grateful for my amazing life! All three of my children are here and two of my three son in laws along with my precious Lil P. My parents and my sister were here last week and they will be back when my children have to leave. I also am blessed with a huge support network of friends. People that have touched my life in ways that are hard to explain. I am so incredibly blessed that so many people love and support me. I know that not everyone has blessings like I do.

Penelope is a constant reminder of what is truly important in life. She just turned two this past October and is so full of wonder and delight! She has been running around this large home, screaming to make echos in the basement and singing songs. She lifts my spirits like nothing else can!

So today has been spent noticing every little detail and being in a state of gratitude. I went over the bridge, crossing the mighty Mississippi with my youngest as we went foraging for tonight’s meal. The way the sun reflects off the water sending shimmering rays of light this way and that is just magical. Lying on the couch watching old Anthony Bourdain episodes, cozy in a blanket while the family flits about. My daughter’s making dinner in the other room as the smell of garlic permeates the house. My incredible wife, the true matriarch of the family now holding court. The way the hot water flowed over my body this morning in the shower while I luxuriated in just being alive.

It is all gone so quickly this life of ours. We spend so much of it on nonsense that we forget that it will all end far too soon. The tugs and pulls of the world will always be there but we will not. I am sure I will come out of this surgery in much better shape but it has given me pause and slowed everything down these past few weeks, especially these past few days. Most especially today.

My wife has been my constant. My rock and confidant. She has been a steadfast supporter in my corner even when I haven’t always deserved it. I honestly am not sure where I would be without her. Talk about being blessed! The other woman in my life that I have leaned on a lot these past few years as I traveled my road to sobriety is my sister. She never judges me, allows me to be whatever I am at the moment and always, always has my back.

So as I head into surgery tomorrow, January 15th I am at peace. I have every reason to believe I will be fine and I know that I will be. After all I am the most blessed man I know!